My husband never saw it coming. We both worked full-time jobs, then came home to our shiny sparse apartment at night, exhausted and wanting just to chill out. So while he slept in on Saturdays, I spent two to three entire hours cleaning our apartment by myself. Who has that kind of time? I sat him down to read him the riot act about how unfair this was, and he agreed to help. We overcame this great obstacle! We were a problem-solving team! We had cleanliness standards we agreed to keep! Then we had kids and realized it took two to three hours of cleaning a day just to keep our heads above water (and by “water” I mean “filth”). And the time spent cleaning wasn’t the only thing that changed:
1. Rogue poo wasn’t really an issue back then.
2. Less time spent scraping petrified boogers off of couches.
3. Rarely did you need to do research on how to remove artwork small, proud people permanently glued to your kitchen wall.
4. These days laundry is never all done. NEVERRRR.
5. You don’t recall ever getting more yogurt on your kitchen chairs than you did in your belly.
6. You never had to clean up a sea of toys before you could even start actual cleaning.
7. “Naughty stains” back then meant something very different (and much more fun).
8. You didn’t have to disinfect every inch of your home since light switches and cabinet door handles weren’t commonly licked.
9. Used. Cups. Are. Everywhere. Now.
10. It never occurred to you to try changing sodding wet crib sheets with one hand at 3a.m.
11. Your main goal in life wasn’t to win the war against a constant fug of diaper pail stink combined with sweaty growing feet.
12. You never witnessed someone eat a dust bunny you missed.
13. It’s no big deal now to find and mop up spit-up breastmilk dribbled on furniture or floors, whether it’s yours or someone else’s.
14. When you were sick, you kept your germs to yourself, but kids prefer to paint the house with theirs.
15 A 10-minute phone call with your mom never left your kitchen phone horrifyingly grimy before she was referred to as “Grandma.”
16. Now that you have pint-sized helpers, each cleaning task takes exactly 100 times longer to complete.
17. Every room became a mudroom once the kids arrived.
18. Handrails are no longer just handrails, they are slides on which to race foods, grubby toy cars, and neighborhood friends.
19. Someone named “Not Me” secretly has moved in and is one heck of a slob.
20. There’s definitely more drool-speckled faceprints on reflective surfaces of your home now.
21. Rarely did you need to ask yourself, “Has this been dunked in the toilet today?”
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