Between the chirpy words, “Let’s go to the beach today, kids!” and the snarling, “Which of you monsters dumped all this sand in the silverware drawer?” that night, a whole lotta things are goin’ down. Gone are the breezy coconut-scented days of naps in the sun in between reading smeared pages of the latest best-seller you carried in the one little tote you brought, my friends. They have been replaced with military-precise packing of two metric tons of gear per child, being told to “WATCH THIS, MAMA” a trillion times, and a constant state of counting sandy heads that simply will not sit still. Yay, parenthood! If you’re bringing your brood beachside this summer, here are some of the things you can expect to happen while you’re there. Have fun!
1. Upon arrival, somebody will realize she has outgrown her swimsuit.
2. Your blanket will be covered in sand 19 seconds after laying it out.
3. As soon as you’re settled in your spot, somebody will desperately need to drop a deuce in the gag-inducing public toilets a half-mile walk back.
4. You will bring 26 beach toys but not the one your kids want to play with.
5. You’ll give up your sunglasses to a kid who SWEARS you never told her to bring a pair.
6. You will immediately realize how exhausting the beach is when you’re responsible for (and outnumbered by) small, slippery danger magnets.
7. A child will throw the sand you told her not to throw because she would get it in her eyes and be genuinely shocked that she got sand in her eyes when she threw it.
8. You will have to explain that that woman’s bum isn’t eating her bikini bottom, it’s just a thong SO STOP STARING AND POINTING PLEASE.
9. One of your kids will be annoyed at how wet the water is.
10. One of your kids will ask the people at the next blanket if they can have one of their snacks.
11. You’ll be told “WATCH THIS, MAMA” no less than 12 trillion times.
12. You will cycle through the process of fixing goggles, picking out wedgies, repairing sandcastles, reapplying sunblock, and saying, “PUT YOUR HAT BACK ON” fourteen times per hour you are there.
13. A kid will end up naked where nakedness isn’t supposed to happen.
14. Your own naked bits will be exposed to strangers by your kids’ tuggy mitts.
15. Another mom surrounded by wailing zinc-smeared maniacs will give you The Nod, letting you know you’re not suffering alone.
16. You will drop ten times the amount of cash per popsicle at the ice cream truck than if you just ate the same ones you have back home, but the moment of cold, delicious shutupness will be worth every penny.
17. Your stickiest, sweatiest kid will want to snuggle with you at the exact moment the temperature and humidity peak for the day.
18. You will tell one of your kids to go ahead and pee in the ocean, but don’t let anyone see him do it.
19. Though you will pack up even less than what you arrived with, it will seem like twice as much.
20. Stinky seashells will end up in the cooler (then stay in there for at least a week, thoroughly defiling it).
21. As soon as everyone is buckled up in the hot car to head home, they will start complaining about how bored they are.
More Mom Truths:
- Summer Break Survival Tips I’m Swearing By to Stay Sane
- Confessions of a Sentimental, Sappy Mom
- 21 Things Only Moms Who Have Been Pregnant in Summer Know