Though you may not find it in your Oxford dictionary, “Hot Mess” is a term that’s probably familiar to most moms. Simply put, it refers to a person or thing that is disorganized or disheveled. Now, I don’t know about you, but that pretty much sums up my entire existence as a mom: There’s a lot of disorder, and I’m usually disheveled. I’ve seen the moms who show up to school dropoff with their perfectly coiffed hair, coordinated outfits, and eyes that look suspiciously well-rested. I’m not sure what kind of sorcery they’ve performed to achieve this, but I’d be okay with learning some dark magic if I could get those results.
But until I figure out the secret to tackling the bazillion things on my to-do list while still finding time to style my hair and put on makeup, I will be team hot-mess mom. You might be a hot-mess mom, too, if…
- Your go-to meals are from your grocer’s freezer. Think chicken à la nuggets, pizza with a red sauce reduction, or boxed mac ‘n’ cheese that’s aged to perfection. Instead of slaving away to prepare meals that are organic, free-range, and void of all gluten, you opt for the sodium- and gluten-filled food-like substances you can easily pop into the microwave or oven and won’t get any complaints from the kids.
- You’re not sure last time you showered. It could have been yesterday, but it was probably Monday. But which Monday? And what month is it? In all honesty, you probably have the time to squeeze in a shower most mornings, but you’d rather hit the snooze button and steal 15 extra minutes of glorious sleep. Besides, every mom knows the minute you disrobe and step one foot into the shower, your kids will suddenly appear out of nowhere asking you for snacks. So instead, you sprinkle a generous amount of dry shampoo on your unwashed hair, scrub a diaper wipe on the important parts of your body, and maybe even spritz a little perfume to give the illusion that you have your life together.
- You’re wearing clothes you picked up off your closet floor. Because who actually has time to do laundry for themselves when they’re busy doing laundry for an entire household of people who go through clothes faster than you can say, “I hate laundry.” With a constant stream of sweaty gym clothes from one kid and pee soaked clothing courtesy of your potty-training toddler, you don’t have the time or energy to wash or care about the cleanliness of your own clothes.
- You show up fashionably late to everything. Everyone who knows you knows that “I’m on my way” is really code for: “I don’t have pants on yet.” With kids, it’s hard to be on time for anything anyway. The minute you announce it’s time to leave, someone will have to pee, decide that today they’re going to master tying their shoes, or just flat out refuse to let you buckle them into their car set.
- You forget everything until the last minute. Your kids aren’t doing you any favors here because they won’t tell you their school project is due until the night before or that the field trip permission slip hasn’t been signed until it’s time for them to board the bus. Important things like bills, doctor’s appointments, field trip permission forms, and PTA meetings will constantly slip your mind as you try to stay on top of everyone’s constantly changing schedules. Science says that motherhood-induced memory loss is a real thing, so cling to that excuse for as long as possible, while you try to remember what important thing you’re currently forgetting.
- You wear workout clothes, but you never actually make it to the gym. Each day you pull on your black yoga pants one delusional leg at a time with zero intention of doing any downward dogs or sun salutations. You wholeheartedly believe the creator of yoga pants intended for women to be comfortable while they chased their feral children around the grocery store, which let’s be honest, feels like more of a cardio workout than spin class.
- The inside of your car looks like someone placed a dumpster inside a snow globe and then vigorously shook it. You’re constantly drowning in a sea of sour-milk-filled sippy cups, broken crayons, stale goldfish, decomposing apple cores, and anything else your kids decide to leave behind for all of eternity. You were once inspired to clean it, but you realized as long as you’re still chauffeuring little crumb magnets around, there isn’t much point. You’ve given up for now and decided to just push your car off a cliff and start fresh once the kids finally leave for college.
- You require multiple cups of coffee a day for survival. You’re surprised that caffeine isn’t actually dripping from your pores. Whether you have a barista who knows your coffee order and exactly what time you’ll screech into the coffee shop parking lot every morning or a coffee machine that’s plugged in next to your bed in lieu of an alarm clock, you are a slave to coffee. You MUST have it to function. Without it, people may mistake you for an extra from The Walking Dead.
- You visit Target multiple times a week, and every single time you forget what you’re actually there for. Instead of just leaving empty-handed or trying to jog your memory, you impulsively stock up on throw pillows and five-dollar bottles of wine. It’s not really your fault, girl. The bullseye logo has obviously hypnotized us into believing we need cute throw pillows.
If you identify with any of these, you might be a hot-mess mom. Maybe we can start a club? Although we probably won’t remember to show up. See you at Target.